The Trap of External Validation

We've all been there or will be there someday—that moment when you realize the identity you've built around your job title or achievements just doesn't feel like you anymore. I hit this wall a few years back, and it forced me to ask some tough questions about who I really was beyond the business card.

When Your Work Self and Real Self Don't Match

Here's the thing about our work culture: it's built to reward the visible stuff—the promotions, the fancy titles, the metrics that show up on quarterly reports. And there's nothing inherently wrong with that... except when we start believing that's all we are.

Back in my college days as a Sociology major, I learned about this fundamental divide:

Your extrinsic identity is how the world sees you—the roles you play, the expectations you meet, the boxes you check off.

Your intrinsic identity is who you are when nobody's watching—your values, what matters to you, the lines you won't cross.

In an ideal world, these two versions of ourselves walk hand in hand. But let's be honest—that's rarely how it plays out.

That Uncomfortable Crossroads

Maybe you've asked yourself: "Is this place, these people, this work... is any of it actually aligned with who I am?"

I value treating people with respect and dignity above everything else. Yet I've been in the position of watching my team push themselves to breaking points because that's what the job demanded. We all believed in the mission and in each other. But in hindsight? The company eventually went bankrupt, and we nearly broke ourselves and our relationships in the process.

But here's the silver lining in that cloud. I walked away with two non-negotiables: 1) Never again; 2) A responsibility to help others avoid the same trap.

The Title Game We All Play

Let me share something I've noticed about how this works in real time. My team routinely added my name to emails to get attention from other departments. Vendors perked up when they knew they were talking to a "decision-maker."

We all do the title dance. Titles don't matter until they matter.

Did I use that title to my advantage? Absolutely. It opened doors. Changed the tone of conversations. Got things done.

But here's what I learned the hard way: Your title might open doors, but only your character keeps them open. Being trustworthy, saying what you mean, and meaning what you say—that's the respect that actually lasts.

You find this out really quickly after leaving a job. Suddenly, that title is gone, and with it, a particular kind of influence. That's why I focused on building relationships that would outlast my position. Connections based on trust don't disappear when your email signature changes.

The Metrics That Mislead Us

It's so tempting to measure our worth by what can be easily tracked.

When someone proudly claims they're "crazy busy" or working 70-hour weeks, do we admire that? I've seen people wear exhaustion like a badge of honor, as if running yourself into the ground proves your value.

Or take KPIs—they're valuable tools for business, sure. But hitting a target doesn't tell you anything about a person's character or worth. Some of the most "successful" people I've worked with were also the most miserable because the numbers they chased never satisfied what they really needed.

Finding Your Way Back to Yourself

Marcus Aurelius wrote something that hit me hard: "Look at how soon we're all forgotten. The abyss of endless time swallows it all. The emptiness of all those applauding hands. So keep this refuge in mind: the back roads of your self.”

That's liberating. It means we can stop chasing approval, which won't matter in the grand scheme. Instead, we can build something more lasting: a relationship with ourselves.

Here's what helps me stay grounded:

• Remember the bigger picture.
  • Those titles and accolades? They don't survive the test of time. What matters is how you lived, who you impacted, and the integrity you maintained.
• Prepare for change now, not later.
  • Your career will evolve—sometimes by choice, sometimes not. Who are you becoming for that future moment? Start living as that person today.
• Create daily practices that center you.
  • For me, it's reading thoughtful books, journaling to process my thoughts, writing to clarify my ideas, and having honest conversations with trusted mentors. These habits cut through the noise and help me see clearly.

I find wisdom in unexpected places. Pema Chödrön, for instance, left a conventional life to become a Buddhist nun. That kind of courage to follow your inner compass always inspires me.

The Work That Really Matters

I'm still learning every day that it takes work to stop people-pleasing. I've been recovering from the need for validation—wanting my bosses' approval, being the ultimate team player, and putting work above my well-being.

The most important question isn't what you want to be remembered for someday. It's who you want to be right now, in this moment.

As Pema Chödrön reminds us: "This present moment is all we have!"

Are you making choices based on your authentic values or just meeting others' expectations? Do you need someone else's approval to feel your decisions are sound? Are you living in alignment with what truly matters to you?

Whether climbing the career ladder or reconsidering your entire path, remember this: who you are should never depend on what you do.

You can absolutely have both—a meaningful career and personal integrity. But that requires knowing yourself and having that inner refuge to return to when external pressures mount.

Trust me on this one. I learned it the hard way, so maybe you don't have to.