Relationship with Self: Moving Beyond Other People's Thoughts
The relationship with yourself is foundational to all other relationships. Yet, we often have a hard time creating our own thoughts outside the influence of other voices.
Maybe you haven't given much thought to what type of relationship you have with yourself or why it's important. I completely understand. For many people, it doesn't even enter their minds. They just go through their days without giving it a second thought.
However, it is, quite frankly, one of the most important things you should consider. It is so foundational to all other relationships in your life (i.e., significant others, friends, work, money, time, beliefs) that it would be neglectful not to start with yourself. You are a very important part of the equation.
The journey of becoming who you are begins with a complex question: How do you distinguish your own thoughts from the ideas of others? We often hear that a healthy and strong self-image means not caring what others think of us. But there's something deeper at stake here – the challenge of discovering whether we're thinking our own thoughts at all.
This isn't just about silencing external judgments. It's about the courage to face the blank page of our own mind and self, to sit with the uncomfortable silence that comes before original thought emerges. It's about examining how we become who we are, not just who we think we should be.
The Wake-Up Call
At some point in my life, in looking to better understand myself and what was making me tick, I found clarity about this while reading Nietzsche's Ecce Homo. Now, I just don't throw that out there lightly to impress you. However, I had challenged myself to read philosophers, not just about them, and Nietzsche was on my list. And besides all that, Ecce Homo is a short read.
But this quote really grabbed me and caused me to pause. In it, he writes:
"The scholar who really does nothing but 'trundle' books... finally loses altogether the ability to think for himself. If he does not trundle he does not think. He replies to a stimulus (a thought he has read) when he thinks—finally, he does nothing but read."
This hit home because it's exactly how I've been approaching my personal growth—constantly consuming, responding, and reacting. I am always in dialogue with someone else's thoughts, rarely creating space for my own.
What makes this especially poignant is how we often use our best hours. Nietzsche challenged me again:
"Early in the morning at the break of day, in all the freshness and dawn of one's strength, to read a book—I call that vicious!"
Those precious morning moments when our minds are clear, and the world is quiet—how often do we fill them with other people's words? We usually grab our phones and scroll through our emails or texts, check the headlines in our news feeds, or read our inspirational journals or other books. We may even start our days mindlessly scrolling social media. No judgment here; I, too, am guilty of all of these.
The Fear of Original Thinking
Let's be honest: putting your own thoughts on paper is scary. Even if it's just for yourself, even if no one else will read it, there's this vulnerability in facing your unfiltered thoughts. What if they're not profound enough? What if they reveal parts of yourself you're not ready to face?
As Marcus Aurelius reminded himself:
"Look well into yourself; there is a source of strength which will always spring up if you will always look."
This isn't just about self-reflection—it's about having the courage to dig deeper, to move past the comfortable layer of borrowed wisdom, and to find what lies beneath inside the portals of your own mind.
The Practice
I have often begun dedicating my morning hours to original thinking. No books, articles, or responses to others' thoughts. Just me, a blank page, and whatever emerges. It's uncomfortable sometimes—frightening even—but this practice has become essential to my relationship with myself.
The question of what one is – that's one thing.
The question of how one becomes what one is – that's quite another.
I'm working on both. The blank page is waiting. Would you like to join me in this practice of original thinking?
ACTION STEPS: A Simple Practice to Begin
I invite you to start small. Tomorrow morning, before reaching for your phone or any reading material, take just five minutes with a blank page. Don't judge what emerges. Simply observe your own mind at work.
Remember: The goal isn't to produce profound insights (though they may come). The goal is to begin recognizing your own voice amidst the chorus of others.
Your Journey Forward
As you move forward from this post, consider making a gentle commitment to yourself. Perhaps it's a few minutes of original thinking each morning, or maybe it's simply becoming more aware of when you're consuming versus creating thoughts.
Your relationship with yourself is a living, breathing thing. It grows stronger not through force but through patient, consistent attention.
What small step will you take today to nurture this most fundamental relationship?
I'd love to hear about your experiences with original thinking. What surprises you when you create space for your own thoughts? What challenges do you face? Share your journey in the comments below.
Remember: Your thoughts matter. Your voice matters. And most importantly, your relationship with yourself matters.
